Why "What Are Your Holiday Plans?" Feels Like a Pop Quiz You Didn't Study For
By Jenna Barnes, LMFT | Virtual Trauma & EMDR Therapist in California
It's the first week of October. The air finally has that little bit of crisp, your favorite coffee shop just rolled out its fall menu, and Costco already has holiday decorations stacked next to the Halloween candy. (Can we please get through one season at a time?)
Then, while everyone waits for the Monday morning Zoom to start, a coworker asks the question: "So, is anyone doing anything fun for the holidays this year?"
Everyone chimes in. Flights to see the grandparents. A big family reunion in Texas. Someone's mom has already started planning the menu.
And you? You're smiling and nodding while your brain frantically flips through index cards for something, anything, to say.
For most people, it's harmless small talk. For you, it's a pop quiz you didn't study for, and the subject is the family you don't talk to anymore.
Meet Rachel: The Guilt That Shows Up Early
To show you what this looks like, let me introduce you to a hypothetical composite client named Rachel.
Rachel is 35 and a senior product manager at a tech company in Irvine. Three years ago, after decades of her dad's unpredictable moods running the entire household, she decided to step back from the relationship. It wasn't impulsive. She thought it through carefully, worked through it in therapy, and made the call.
Spring and summer? Rachel is thriving. But every year, like clockwork, something shifts around the first cool morning in October. Her sleep gets choppy. She's short with her partner. She catches herself rereading old texts from her dad at midnight.
Nothing has even happened yet. No invitations. No confrontations. And still, guilt moves in like a houseguest who never asked if they could stay for the season.
"I know I made the right choice," Rachel told me. "So why do I feel like I'm doing something wrong just by existing in October?"
If that sounds familiar, you're far from alone. Cornell sociologist Karl Pillemer's national survey found that roughly 1 in 4 American adults is estranged from a family member. The holiday season just has a way of making each of them feel like the only one.
The Guilt Spiral's Greatest Hits
The Midnight Scroll: Rereading old messages or checking your parent's Facebook "just to see how they're doing," then lying awake for two hours.
The Unsent Apology: Drafting a message in your Notes app that you'll never send, apologizing for things you didn't do.
The Imaginary Courtroom: Building an airtight case for why you're allowed to protect yourself, while the judge in your head keeps overruling you.
The Highlight Reel: Suddenly remembering only the good years and wondering if it was really that bad.
The Busy Blanket: Filling every single weekend so there isn't a quiet moment left to feel anything.
The Small Talk Sweats: Dreading every "Any big plans?" from your coworkers, your dentist, and the barista.
Why Your Body Starts Dreading the Holidays Before the Calendar Does
Your body keeps its own calendar.
Your nervous system doesn't just store memories as facts. It stores them with all the sensory details attached: the shorter days, the smell of cinnamon, the first holiday commercial on TV. When those same cues show up again, your brain pulls the old files, whether you asked it to or not. Therapists sometimes call this an anniversary reaction.
If the holidays were when tension peaked in your childhood home, when your parent's moods got bigger and you spent every gathering walking on eggshells, your body learned a simple rule: Fall means brace for impact.
Then there's the guilt itself. When you grow up with an emotionally immature parent, keeping them happy equals staying safe. So guilt learns a second job: it becomes an alarm that says, "You're about to be in trouble." Stepping back from your family breaks the biggest rule your nervous system ever learned.
That's why the guilt feels so loud. It isn't necessarily a sign you made the wrong choice. It's the sound of an old survival alarm going off in a house you've already moved out of.
Get Ahead of It: The Guilt Forecast
Here's the good news about October: it gives you a head start.
Think of it like checking the weather before a trip. You don't cancel your vacation because rain is in the forecast. You pack a jacket.
1. Map the storm fronts. Grab a notebook and write down the moments most likely to stir up guilt this season. The coworker small talk. A sibling's family photos. The group chat going quiet. A relative reaching out on your parent's behalf.
2. Decide your response now, while you're calm. For each storm front, pick one sentence or action ahead of time. For coworkers: "Keeping it low-key this year, and honestly, I'm looking forward to it!" For social media: muting certain accounts through the new year. Deciding now means you're not improvising in the middle of a panic.
3. Pack your comfort kit. Plan things that belong to the life you're building: a Friendsgiving, a new tradition with your partner, a hike, a Disneyland day with the people who feel like home. Give the season something to look forward to instead of just something to survive.
4. Expect a little rain. Guilt will probably still show up, and that's okay. The goal isn't zero guilt. It's not getting swept away by it. When it hits, name it ("There's the forecast"), take a slow breath, and let it pass.
When Rachel tried this, the Monday Zoom question still came. She felt the familiar drop in her stomach, gave her pre-planned answer, and went on with her day. No spiral. No midnight scroll. Just a small win that told her nervous system, We can handle this.
Where EMDR Comes In
Rachel had already done plenty of talk therapy. She knew exactly why October felt this way. But knowing why didn't stop her body from bracing every fall.
With Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), we worked directly on the memories her nervous system was still holding onto: the dinner her dad stormed out of, the silent drive home, the years of trying to keep the peace. EMDR helped her brain reprocess those experiences so they stopped registering as current danger.
The next October, the first cool morning came and went. Rachel thought about her dad, and she felt a little sad, which makes complete sense. But the sleepless nights and the midnight scrolling didn't come with it. She had grief without the alarm bells, and a season she could actually enjoy.
Ready to Enjoy the Season Instead of Bracing for It?
You don't have to spend another fall waiting for the guilt to hit. I provide virtual EMDR therapy for high-achieving professionals and cycle breakers throughout California, helping you quiet the guilt, trust your choices, and actually enjoy this time of year.
[Schedule your free 15-minute consultation today.]
FAQs
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Completely normal. The holiday season is packed with messages about family togetherness, and for adults raised by emotionally immature parents, guilt often acts as an old survival alarm rather than a sign of wrongdoing. Feeling guilty doesn't mean your decision was wrong. It usually means you're doing something your nervous system was never allowed to do before.
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Your nervous system stores memories along with sensory details like weather, smells, and seasonal routines. When those cues return each fall, your body can react as if the old stress is happening again. This is often called an anniversary reaction, and it's especially common for people who grew up in tense or unpredictable homes.
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Not necessarily. Guilt is a feeling, not a verdict. If you grew up in a home where keeping a parent happy meant staying safe, your body learned to sound the alarm anytime you put your own needs first. That alarm can go off even when your choice is healthy, well thought out, and exactly right for you.
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It looks different for everyone. Many people find the guilt softens over time, but it tends to flare up around holidays, birthdays, and family milestones. If the guilt still feels just as loud year after year, that's often a sign old childhood memories are still stored in your nervous system, and trauma-focused therapy like EMDR can help.
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You don't owe anyone your full story. A short, friendly response works well: "Keeping it low-key this year" or "Family stuff is complicated, but I'm looking forward to a restful break." Then change the subject. Protecting your privacy is part of protecting your peace.
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EMDR helps your brain reprocess the painful childhood memories that keep your nervous system on high alert. Rather than only talking about why you feel guilty, EMDR works on the body-level reactions, so seasonal triggers stop feeling like emergencies and you can respond from a calm, grounded place.
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I have a limited number of insurance slots available, and a limited number of sliding scale spots as well. Reach out through a free 15-minute consultation to check current availability and find the option that works best for you.
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Yes! My practice is fully virtual, so I work with clients anywhere in California. I'm based in Orange County, and I see clients from San Diego to the Bay Area and everywhere in between, all from the comfort of home.
